Yo - OH MY - Ga!

This is a long one, y'all!

Today I tried yoga for the first time.  It's been pretty trendy for a long time and I've heard so many people just love it.  So, I've been trying to find some things I can do while my knee is still recovering to keep me from practically going crazy and to get back in to some sort of consistent exercise.  I tried pilates and like that pretty well because you keep moving quite a bit and it is a killer ab workout.  Time to give yoga a try.

Well, let me tell you, yoga is not my thing.  I arrived a few minutes late to class (they changed the studio from where the schedule had guided me) to find everyone laying like corpses in a dark room filled with the faintest of calming music.  Of course, the only spot left was in the far front corner of the room.  So I had to carefully drag my mat, weaving around the corpses (that is actually what the pose is called!) to my corner spot, take off my shoes, drop my keys and get in to my deadly position.  OK, not so bad once I was in the corpse pose...pretty relaxing.

Yoga corpses

Then, it started.  The deep breathing.  The cleansing breaths.  I thought one man was literally going to become a corpse right there in that very room every time he breathed he sounded so badly.  As much as these breathing techniques were supposed to be relaxing and "cleansing" (I think it was the air and the floor that really needed to be cleansed), it was really starting to work me up to hear all those other people shooting germs out of their mouths and noses.  You know how sometimes, something starts to annoy you and then that's all you can concentrate on?  That was me right then and for the next hour (a very long hour, I might add).

Then the poses started.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I can see the benefits of yoga.  You have to be strong, flexible, balanced - I can completely understand how the techniques get you there.  It is not easy.  And I was "tight as a banjo string" (credit to Papa Cole for that phrase), so I was hurting!  Let me insert here that at this point, I noticed the music was nowhere to be found.  I am a music person, therefore when doing something I'm not completely excited about, music makes it all better for me (i.e., cleaning the house, running, waiting in a doctor's office, etc.).  Plus, it would cover up some of the other noises that were distracting me!  But, it was gone.  Just all breathing and popping joints.

Most of the poses required some pretty extensive weight to be put on your knees at some points, so many of them I could not do completely, at least when it was my right knee that was required to be the support.  I was mad that people quite a few years older than me could contort their bodies like Gumby when I could not, so that made me try harder and actually, I was working up a sweat.  The instructor said to just concentrate on our breathing, but when I did that, I just kept hearing the lady next to me blow and wanted to wipe my arms with a Lysol wipe.  So, instead I concentrated on the fans in the room and wondered if I quickly turned on the one next to me if I would get kicked out of class.  I couldn't get out of the darn twisted position I was in, though, so figured I didn't want to risk making a scene.

"Raise your arms to the sun, the one that gives you energy," the instructor said.  I love the sun as much as the next person, but, you know the sun gets energy from someONE and actually, He's the One giving me energy.  So, I wasn't too into that pose, although it was easy and I could do it with no problem!

After about the 50th down dog pose and monkey breath (or something like that), I started to get dizzy and wondered when the class would be over.  Luckily, I made it through all the moves and we started stretching.  YES!  The cool down and then I can jet, never to make another appearance in a yoga class.

Wait, now more music...the lights are all going off again. What?  Was I so dizzy that the class left, another one entered and we were starting again? "I've got to get out!" I thought.  I looked around, everyone's turning in to corpses again. Ahhh...I'm in the front of the room, I can't leave.  So, I played dead and pretended to relax, all the while concentrating on the kids outside actually having fun in the hallways.  I wanted them to rescue me.

Then, at least 10 more minutes went by, the instructor rang a chime three times, said something I could not understand and then everyone started rising from the dead.  I took the chance to gather my mats and get out without even putting my shoes back on.

Yoga is not for me.  I was not relaxed after that hour, I was even more keyed up and couldn't wait to do something to actually move around, get some energy out, listen to loud music and have FUN!

At least I tried!